I am behind again on the blog...but for good reason this time. I have been diligently plugging away at my thesis, integrative project, whatever. I am happy to report that I AM DONE. Oh yes, I am through. It has been sent, it has been approved, and the final form that will give me my Master's is awaiting a last signature. Hurray! I am thrilled. Over the moon. Finally I can enjoy Malawi a bit (well, I actually did go to the paper making factory and I took a day trip before I finished...but I was SO close that I told myself it was okay).
But the paper, and finishing up my data collection here in Blantyre has left me feeling really drained.
Or is it something else?
I have hesitated to write about this because I feel like a month is too short a time to already be tired by this, but I would say, one percent of the time it does drain me. I guess the best way to describe it is the feeling of constantly being on display.
Every morning, I get dressed, I eat breakfast, and I put on my invisible armor. I am stared at, I am laughed at (mostly by little kids and not in a mean spirited way), I am borderline harassed by men, street vendors, and beggars. I am overcharged everywhere because I am a mzungo (white person).
Ninety-nine percent of the time just smiling, laughing, or being firm solves whatever form of attention I am receiving, but the other one percent of the time I wish I could just disappear.
The kids are cute. I love the "how are you? "how are you" "I am fine how are you?" I LOVE IT. But the constant attention from everyone has been a little unexpected. I guess I didn't expect to stand out so much. Maybe coming from New York where no one bats an eye at different people, languages, and forms of dress is why I am a little surprised. I am not sure. And I feel awful that I sometimes I tire of it.
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3 comments:
It's okay to be fatigued by your work and constant self-awareness. Think about how much energy it takes to always be vigilant, always assessing the attention you're getting. Hang in there! You're almost home, and in the mean time, what an amazing education you're getting in a culture most of us will never see! It took courage to go somewhere strange and new by yourself, and I remain totally impressed. And finally, as awful as it is, maybe experiencing the wierdness of being different is a good lesson. Remember Spain? We both emerged stronger and more mature. Love you!!!
Adding to what little chef said it is tiring very tiring being self aware. Take that times two and you get the sense of exhausting I feel sometimes when I go on the road for work. Sucks but I feel more of a reward when my eyes fall shut. Let's you know you had a darn productive day or that your nutrition is bad either way still a daily workout! I keep hearing about this paper i hope I you have some to bring back.
There is nothing to hesitate about. You are a flippin celebrity in Malawi and that will NEVER change. Everytime you step out your door, you are "new" to hundreds of people. So you can never just walk through anonymously. It is very draining but the people you meet and greet may remember your encounter forever. So suck it up :) j/k. it's so hard, I know. Anonyminitiy (man i butchered that) will never feel so good when you get back.
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